As I sat down to watch Spiderman 2, I was not expecting to see another crappy marvel movie.  AND I DIDN’T!!!!  Spiderman 2 was fuccking awesome, I purposely put the extra C in fuccking because that’s how awesome it truly is.  I was severely disappointed by the trash acting of Ben Affleck in Daredevil trying to play the role of a blind superhero.  To add to the pain, the movie starred that bitch Jennifer Garner (I mean c’mon, both of these so called actors make me laugh when it is definitely not their intention to do so).  Then, Ang Lee took a stab at making a marvel movie and failed horribly in The Hulk.  Ang Lee should stick to movies that involve martial arts, not martial crap.  I was about to call Stan Lee and ask him why the hell he sold the rights to his comic book characters when he knew that Ben Ass-sex cant act for shit and makes shit movies (One word: Gigli).  And it seemed as though Ang Lee said to himself, “Hey, my last name is Lee and Stan Lee’s last name is Lee, maybe I’ll make a Marvel movie.”  It is obvious when the director of a Marvel film actually read Marvel comics or collected Marvel cards and Ang Lee definitely didn’t do either (from what I can tell, the only thing Ang Lee played with when he was young was himself).  I’d be willing to throw down my Spiderman Issue No. 1 comic on the fact that Sam Raimi read comics when he was little.  He seemed a little nerdy in the interview I saw but the director of the Spiderman series gave hope to the millions of Marvel fans when Spiderman 2 came out. 

 

The theme of the second installment is choice and when I was sitting in the theatre watching this movie, I chose to blow my load in my pants.  Honestly, I was not expecting this movie to be anything special.  Spiderman was a good movie but it did not blow my socks off.  I guess I should have expected the sequel to be better than the original after watching X-Men 2 surpass X-Men in every aspect.  Tobey Maguire is a great Peter Parker.  Yeah, I saw Cider House Rules, I’ll admit it, but only because Charlize Theron is a super babe.  And Tobey was actually decent in Seabiscuit, but let’s face it, he belongs in a Spiderman costume.  I actually read that Maguire almost didn’t return for the sequel due to back injuries, as this movie required much more stunt work on his behalf.  I’m glad Tobey decided to pull his tampon out and sack up. 

 

Kirstin Dunst does a decent job in this movie.  I mean yeah, she is an okay actor, but she is definitely nothing to write home about.  Dicky isn’t one of those guys that drools over Dunst.  She has her moments when she looks decent, and I would probably have sex with her, but she is no Charlize.  She is a great Mary Jane however.  Co-star James Franco’s role gets a little beefier in the sequel as the hatred inside him for Spiderman grows deeper.  It is obvious that he loved his daddy very much and although the movie never shows this or even hints to this theory, I think that maybe the Character of Harry Osborn and his dad, Norman Osborn, had an incestual sexual relationship.  How else could someone explain this intense animosity for a loveable character like Spiderman, plus when Dicky was little, Dicky’s daddy Dong (Yes, he is Asian) used to molest him and Dicky got scared, very, very scared.  Anyway, back to the movie. 

 

Spiderman 2 is such a success thanks to the villain, Doctor Octopus, played by Alfred Molina.  Whoever the fuck Alfred Molina is, I cannot tell you, but I do know this:  He plays a villain brilliantly.  Not only is Doctor Octopus a better villain than the Green Goblin, but Molina plays the part better than Willem Defoe.  Don’t get me wrong, I do like Willem Defoe.  How could anyone not like Boondock Saints or Speed 2? (that Speed 2 thing was a joke).  But Molina just plays a better villain period.  What I always thought was funny about writing a sentence that ends with the declaration “period” is it actually does have a period after it.  Dicky be a nerd.

 

Aside from the acting, the writing for the movie is by far the best Marvel movie writing to date.  The movie is intentionally cheesy at times which adds to its comic book feel.  It has the feel of a comic book and it does it through its writing and its directing, not its visuals (which the Hulk tried to do and it fucking sucked hardcore; I’m saying it sucked harder than a baby trying to suck milk out of the nipple of a woman that isn’t pregnant).  In addition to its writing, the computer generated scenes are by far the best CG’s in any film yet (aside from Lord of the Rings)  X-Men 2 also had excellent CG’s but I think Spiderman 2’s are much better.  Of course they’re not so good that the transitions from human to computer are seamless but they get damn close. 

 

I think I would have to say that one of the best parts of the movie lies in the ending.  Spiderman ended in sort of a shitty way and had you leaving the movie theater with a wrinkle in your panties (No Dicky does not wear women’s underwear and yes I did call them panties).  Although Spiderman 2 is left open ended it’s okay because Raimi does a better job of ending this movie.  It leaves you thinking that Spiderman 3 is gonna be sick like Ebola and it will be. 

 

When people tell me that they haven’t seen this movie and then they say that they saw the first one and liked it, I tell them that they are dumb and then I proceed to whack them in the nuts, or in the case of a female, I gently caress her breast and lightly kiss her nipple.  This movie is an epic.  If you don’t believe me, I can prove it.  Imax only shows epic films on their screens and they are playing Spiderman 2 on Imax screens.  If you still don’t believe that this movie is the biggity biggity bomb diggity, then know this: Dicky got asked to play the part of Peter Parker/Spiderman in the sequel when Raimi made his initial decision to not re-cast Tobey Maguire.  It’s true, Maguire almost didn’t appear in the sequel and Raimi talked to my agents and got me interested.  I said, “What kind of figures am I looking at?  20 plus million?  Cuz I wont do it for less, its just not worth Dicky’s time.”  My agents told me the best I could do would be 10 Million being a no-name actor and all.  So I told Raimi to fuck off and eat a dick.  I ended up shooting a porn with Hugh Jnockers, yes it’s a guy with very large breasts, actually I think he is a hermaphrodite come to think of it.  But don’t get it twisted, I do not engage in sexual intercourse with Hugh, he is merely a co-star.  The film also stars Shea Vinnersnatch, Lee Kee Giner, Stinkay Grundle, and Chick Withaweakpornstarname.  I’ve gotta give plugs for  my new movies and if it takes the review of another movie to do it, then that’s what I’ve gotta do. 

 

But don’t let Dicky’s desire to make money influence your decision to see this movie.  Spiderman 2 surpasses the original by leagues of extraordinary gentlemen (which sucked also).  This movie has changed my life in so many ways, I can’t even begin to count.  I get more women now, I am definitely smarter now, and I can hold my liquor better.  I cannot guarantee that your lives will improve upon seeing this movie but it’s worth a try.  And since movie ticket prices have increased during by the Bush Administration in the past four years, rest easy on the fact that this is a movie worth the 22.50 to see it in the theatres.  That is all I can say about Spiderman 2 and Spiderman 2 is one of those movies where you can say Spiderman 2 and people are like, “oh Spiderman 2, I’ve seen Spiderman 2” and you say yeah Spiderman 2 is much better than Spiderman and although Spiderman 2 is a sequel, Spiderman 2 is the best sequel ever because Spiderman 2 is unlike no other film, which puts Spiderman 2 in a class of its own and that class is the class called Spiderman 2.  If you haven’t listened to anything I’ve said in this entire so called movie review, then hear this:  Go see Spiderman 2, you mother fucker.