Well, VH1 is at it again with a new season of The Surreal Life, the show that takes seven strangers and forces them to live in a house. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. No, wait, that’s the real world. The Surreal Life follows a similar format except that these seven strangers are anything but “real”. They are all celebrities, some more washed up than others (ie Corey Feldman from season one) but all were once big time stars.

            For anyone who hasn’t seen the show in the past, like the hard-to-top first season which was on UPN not VH1, I’ll give you a quick rundown.

            Season one: M.C. Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Vince Neil, Jerri from Survivor, playmate Brande Roderick, TV star Gabrielle Carteris, and the infamous Corey Feldman moved into the Surreal house and the fun began. Some formed bonds and friendships, like Emmanuel Lewis and M.C. Hammer, and others dispelled their previous bad reputations by being funny and cool. And then there was Corey. Corey Feldman spent the entire season crying about how people were ignoring him and trying to figure out a way to have the network pay for his marriage to his equally whiney girlfriend. If you can catch any reruns of this season, TiVo them immediately because you are watching TV history. Corey Feldman set the record for most annoying has-been that remains unbroken today.

            Season two: Trishelle from The Real World: Las Vegas (she was the slutty one), Eric Estrada, Baywatch bimbo Traci Bingham, Tammy Faye Mesner (formerly Bakker), Ron Jeremy and my personal favorite Rob Van Winkle (yep, Vanilla Ice) lived in the same house in Hollywood. Unlike the last season, which served as a shining example of whiney bitchy diva-esque celebrities, this season was about celebrities coming to terms with their pasts and setting aside differences. Before I had seen this show, I would have bet my college fund that Vanilla Ice would end up freaking out and trashing the house, but in fact, he was the most normal and cool guy in the place. To me, this season proved that you don’t need a horrible villain to have good reality TV. People can be just as happy watching friendships and positive events as they can be watching Corey Feldman cry in a phone booth to his fiancé about Vince Neil not letting him sing in his band.

            Season three: This season was immensely popular for two reasons, Brigitte Neilson and Flavor Flav. Though the cast also included Dave Coulier, Jordan Knight, Americal Idol contestant Ryan Starr, and Charo, it was the bizarre budding love between Flav and Brigitte that remained the focus of the show. In fact, it even sparked a spin-off show, Strange Love which is on the same night as the new season of The Surreal Life. This show was fascinating to me for the same reason that it’s fun to watch Ashlee Simpson screw up on live TV, watching a career end before it ever began is hilarious. In this case, it was Ryan Starr who bitched and cried about every thing that happened in a single day. Flav was too loud, Jordan was creepy, she was tired and she wanted to sleep, and, most famous of her complaints, she didn’t want to sing pop music because she was a rocker. Oh yes ladies and gentleman, Ryan Starr, the girl who was discovered on American Idol, was a hard rocker chick. Her frequent tantrums and self-absorbed diary segments successfully branded her the new Corey Feldman.

            This would be a good time to mention that every season of this show, I always exclaim, “well they can never beat what happened last season…” First it was, “they can never beat Corey Feldman’s tantrums.” Then it was, “well they can never top Vanilla Ice’s transition from angry has-been to cool guy.” After that it was, “there’s nothing weirder than Brigitte and Flav’s love affair.” But every season, they completely outdo them selves.

            This season, the weird bar was raised, or lowered depending on how you look at it, within the first episode. Hats off to whoever cast this season. The celebs moving in were Joanie Laurer (you might remember her as the manish Chyna from wrestling), Christopher Knight, who played Peter Brady oh so long ago, Da Brat, former Go Go Jane Wiedlin, a couple of beautiful people: male model Marcus Schenkenberg and America’s Next Top Model winner Adrianne Curry, and Mini Me himself, Verne Troyer. Get weirder than that!

            There’s only been one episode so far, but it reached “weird factor five” faster than anything I’ve ever seen on TV. First, I’d like everyone to picture Chyna, the giant man-woman getting more fucked up that Anna Nicole Smith and prancing around the house in clear stripper heels, a bikini, a trench coat, and a fur hat. Then, I want you all to close you eyes and picture the 2’8” Verne Troyer drinking more than Tara Reid and then moaning in his bed for a hour. Not horrified enough yet? Well after Verne got drunk, he woke up late at night and decided to piss in a corner in the weight room, naked. Yep, that’s right. Mini Me got completely plastered, and then woke up, took all his clothes off, and decided to drive his scooter to a corner and take a piss. Da Brat caught him, but felt this situation was beyond her control so she called in the Brady. I am confident that even if the show were to go for twenty more seasons, there will be nothing weirder than this. In fact, I’m willing to bet that a Mexican donkey show is less bizarre than this. I actually had to take a minute to reflect on what I just witnessed before I could go on.

            Naturally, I’m recommending that everyone watch the show. You can check out clips on VH1.com to make sure you’re up for it because you will feel very, very, very dirty after you watch it.

            If the next few episodes are anything like this one, I’ll have to TiVo the entire season.